It feels good to write again. I knew it would.
I also knew it would take a bit of time to get the right words together. For those waiting, thank you for your patience.
I’ve been told my decisions as of late have been rather shocking and my guess is that if I have any hope at shedding light onto the situation, the right words are kinda essential. Anyone who’s followed my blog for some time would know that my transformation was one not only of the body but of the mind. As much as I haven’t changed, I still have. Over the course of the past couple years I have left behind the girl who felt that her happiness rested solely on the happiness of the people around her. A girl who was afraid to have too many of her own opinions in fear that it would cause a conflict, and someone who didn’t value herself. I have developed a level of knowledge and understanding towards myself, my desires, my dreams and ultimately my happiness. So indeed, I am a different person. The person I am today has grown apart from her husband.
When I made the decision to separate and divorce, it was only natural for those on his side of things to cast me as the villain. It’s that sort of social construct that people adhere to when they don’t understand the situation. Someone needs to be the victim. As with most separations, the reasons behind the final decision can be riddled with complications. Mine is no exception. I did a pretty good job of convincing others while trying to convince myself that I was truly happy. To keep the peace I would sacrifice my own wants and desires. I was meek and afraid to stand up for myself. The balance in our relationship shifted throughout my weight loss journey and things could not go on the way they were. There had been a gradual lead up to that moment. There were small signs that I would let sneak out and if you were paying close enough attention you may have caught them. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t make it work. But the effort could not come just from me. And over many years of being pushed away, I had been pushed too far.
With my new found self, I gathered the courage to leave.
It isn’t my fault alone. It also isn’t his fault. We’re both to blame for the demise of the relationship. I fell out of love with someone who pushed me away due to his own limitations with love. That’s the short of it.
My weight loss has shown me that I can achieve whatever I want in life. So for the past year or so, I have really been contemplating what that looked like to me. I have an imaginary line in my brain. One that signifies happiness. I think the best chance any of us have in this life to enjoy it fully and without reservations, is to move ourselves towards that line. People may not understand your motives or reasons. It really isn’t up to them to make the call on your life. If you honor your own dreams and wishes then you too can keep reaching for your own line of happiness. I wish mine didn’t have to include hurt feelings of others, but I do truly believe that everyone involved in my circumstance has a shot to be just as happy. You can’t continue to cast a victim mentality on either party. What we both need is to rise higher than before. We need to evaluate what happened and the role we played, then prepare for the next stage of our life. Whatever that may be. We need to learn from our mistakes and move forward with that new knowledge.
We need to honor our true selves. Letting go is not giving up. I am ready for what lies ahead. I am strong and am capable of living a life where I am able to love fully and receive that love in return. I look forward to sharing the next chapter with you.